Psychogenealogy

Inevitably, when you start exploring a family tree, the question of secrets comes to the fore.  When most people talk about a secret, they are referring to something they know which they decide not to disclose. 

But in psychogenealogy, deciding not to disclose something is not strictly a secret.  It is somewhere in between.  It is something known and unspoken.  In French, there is a specific word for this - a non-dit - which distinguishes it from a real secret.  A real secret in psychogenealogy is a step further away.   It is something unknown and inexpressible that exerts a real force.

Here's an example.  Imagine David marries Alice.  In time they have two sons, Roger and James.  After being laid off, David becomes very depressed and commits suicide by hanging.  Because of his sensitive nature, Alice and Roger decide to tell James his father died from natural causes.  Alice and Simon know something they decide not to speak about.  This is unspoken.  It is not a secret for them.  But it is a secret for James because he doesn't know about it. 

When Alice dies at a ripe old age, James who is now an adult, becomes depressed and tries to commit suicide by hanging.  Roger has a son called Tony.  Tony goes through a difficult period in his life and contemplates suicide by hanging too.

In this family, Tony and James are bearers of a secret.  It is unknown, inexpressible but it exerts a real influence on their psychic lives. 

Imagine now Tony discovers how his grandfather really died.  He experiences relief and his suicidal thoughts dissolve.  He also discovers that his uncle James doesn't know the truth about his father's death.  The question now is, does he tell his uncle James the truth about David's death or not?  What attitude should Tony have in relation to his father Roger for not telling him or James the truth? 

Dealing with secrets is delicate.  The person who unwittingly carries a secret can suffer as a result.  In this case, discovering the secret was a release for Tony.  But telling his uncle James the truth may not be a release at all.   Perhaps Tony will never speak to his brother Roger again and this may lead to a serious deterioration in the relationship between Tony and his father. 

So Tony is caught between telling and not telling his uncle James the truth.  In some cases, it is important to break the hold of a secret over someone and sometimes it is important not to break that hold.  There are no hold-fast rules about this.  If, as a result of working on your family tree, you uncover a secret, evaluate the relevance and impact such a disclosure might have on the people and the relationships involved before proceeding any further.